The last post I wrote about my anxiety seemed to help me quite a bit. It helped me frame what I’m looking for. While this can often feel fluid and wish-y-wash-y, its starting to feel less so. The pendulum still swings but I think I’m becoming more compartmentalized with my wish-y-wash-y.
I have a pretty clear understanding of the fact that I enjoy adventurous sex, upping the game as it were, and bringing a third into the bedroom. I’m pretty clear that in my ideal world I’d have a partner I’m emotionally/intellectually close to for that sort of activity, whether it be my wife or a proxy for her that would be interested in seeking out others. What I remain unclear about, what I continue to oscillate on, is what I do in the mean time. What do I do while I’m still searching for that person.
I feel like this isn’t a hard question for the average person. Most people, I figure, assume things are casual until they aren’t. In other words, you begin a relationship, you get physical, you get closer and closer to that person and eventually it feels like an intimate bond that isn’t easily broken. Then perhaps you evolve to a place where you explore.
My difficulty comes with the fact that I feel dis-ingenious if I don’t make a partner aware of what I’m looking for, what my interests are. This focus on group sex is more than a passing fancy with me. I hate the term sex or love “geek” about as much as a good chef probably hates the term foodie, but those terms are instructive. I enjoy new chemistry as much as a foodie enjoys a good meal. I enjoy variety in the people I’m intimate with, with the “ingredients” I throw together and I feel no shame in that. I’d probably live in a hippy commune of some sort if I could, one where people like me congregate.
I guess my main dilemma is pretty simple. I’m obviously very upfront with potential partners about the fact that I’m in an open marriage, almost immediately. This of course presents its own challenges on the dating scene. But when do I drop this second level “bomb” on them? That not only am I polyamorous and have an open marriage, but that I’d like to develop a close relationship with someone who’d like to explore the swinging scene. Not only when do I tell them, but am I obligated to tell them at all?
I certainly think its my moral responsibility to tell someone I’m intimate with that they’re not the only one. But do I have to tell them I might get bored if we don’t explore these other fantasies together?
So in summary I guess these are challenges that remain.
- Can I get comfortable having less meaningful/casual sex, continue to enjoy “playing the field” until I find a partner in crime who likes to fuck women as much as me?
- Should I tell them this is in the back of my mind and if so, how soon?
One last, less mind-fuckery, related concern is one of logistics. I live in the burbs. There are swingers all over the place, but there are relatively few people out here who can wrap their heads around polyamory. Those awesome people are in the city. I work in the city and I’m there all the time, but my nest is in the burbs. My wife and kids are here and they rely on me pretty heavily. I often can’t get comfortable being an hour away from home on a date. Not only that, but I require closeness and lots of opportunity to see the person I’m dating. I love being a chatty mother fucker over text, but that only takes me so far. In my view this just means its going to take me longer to find that partner in crime. Not a big deal, I’m getting more patient every day, but it does mean more time dealing with question #1 above.
All in all these are good problems to have. I continue to try and remind myself of this constantly. I could be alone. I could be in a marriage that is love-less or sex-less. I could have a million other hardships to deal with. My privilege meter is off the charts. Learning to get more comfortable with casual sex, figuring out how to communicate with new partners about interests, even learning to deal better with logistical challenges, these are all things I can navigate. At the end of the day, patience is key. Its a valuable skill that I need to learn to cultivate.
William Underwood 